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Cheryl is a  Learning Doula--a person who supports others as they learn, unlearn and emerge into their wealth and possibilities. budding pioneer of the field of learning and development. She is an established personal accountability and self-help author and has formed her business around the principles of autonomy, authenticity, and the courageous questioning that she writes about. Her new book, The Last Evaluation (coming soon) visits these principles in the framework of genuine and seamless living and working.

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The Terror of Oneness

July 4, 2013

 

I've already told my story in my post "The Beginning of the End" but I wanted to pull out a piece of that story to highlight one aspect of this "journey". I won't go into my "story" in too much detail but just to quickly recap (especially if you haven't read the post), I began this journey to find out what in the hell happened to me some years ago.

 

Let's just say that while sitting at my desk at work, minding my own business, I suddenly felt like I was in Eternity.  My heart was beating fast, my palms were sweating and I literally felt like I, my computer, my pens and pencils, my heater, my cup of coffee and my telephone were in Eternity.  I also felt strongly that there was nothing to do.  Even sitting in my chair was doing too much.  I actually said out loud, "Jesus, what am I supposed to do now"?

 

Much of this journey to discovery has been really frightening.  Several times on this journey I was literally  in a state of heart-stopping, bone-chilling terror.  The first time, I read something in a book called A Course in Miracles a passage that said, "You are not a body, you are an idea".  After I read that something happened where I was suddenly terrified and I didn't know why. I abandoned that book after a while (it was too weird).  It happened again, some months later, when I was sleeping.  I don't remember dreaming of anything, but all of a sudden I was screaming like a banshee in my dream... but there was nothing there!!!  I was screaming and afraid of absolutely nothing--at least nothing that I could see.  I woke up and thankfully discovered that the screaming was all in my head, otherwise I'm sure I would have woken the entire neighborhood. I now know that those (and many other) bouts of terror were just the "death cries" of this mistaken part of me that believed it was a part from me.  That belief had to die.


But there is no death.  If death is anything it's boredom.  We're afraid to be bored. We're afraid to lose all this excitement, colors, lights, pain, laughter, love, wind, water, tastes, etc. But you don't lose anything. This stuff still goes on, you just don't take it personally. And it's not boring at all. It's infused with wonder and gratitude.  Whatever is "here" is okay. It has not separated you from the "screen". You are still One. As the Course says, "nothing is being done to you...it's being done for you". So enjoy and don't take it so seriously.

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