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Cheryl is a  Learning Doula--a person who supports others as they learn, unlearn and emerge into their wealth and possibilities. budding pioneer of the field of learning and development. She is an established personal accountability and self-help author and has formed her business around the principles of autonomy, authenticity, and the courageous questioning that she writes about. Her new book, The Last Evaluation (coming soon) visits these principles in the framework of genuine and seamless living and working.

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The Other Woman

February 8, 2016

 

I've recently discovered a website called "She's a Home Wrecker" (shesahomewrecker.com)  where wives post pictures, name and location of the "other woman" who has taken their husbands, ruined their marriages and irreparably disrupted their lives and families. Under each photo of the "homewrecker" is a brief description of the situation that includes how the wife came to know of the affair, the husband's role and the other woman's scheme to ruin the marriage. In this blog post, I will speak to all three roles because I have been in all three roles. I have been the cheated on wife, the other woman, and the one who stepped out on the marriage to engage in an affair; so I know what what I'm talking about.

 

Here is an excerpt from a story on the website: "I was completely caught off guard. My husband of 15 years was cheating on me with this whore at his job. Not giving him a free pass or anything but she admitted that she had pursued him. The day after they exchanged numbers she sends him naked photos followed by a video of her playing with herself. She knew that he was married and didn't care! I was so hurt by this that it took me months to collect myself... she had no remorse; she didn't even apologize for hurting me and ruining my family...I had to expose this Trashy Bitch and I hope she gets her KARMA!"

 

The phenomena of  "the other woman" has already been discussed ad nauseum. There are countless authors, scholars, talk show hosts, radio disc jockeys, therapists and other groups and individuals with tons of advice for each party involved in this situation. You won't find any of that advice here. What you will find here is a way out of the game you've been playing. In my blog post Game Over, I submit the only thing that differentiates a game from any other activity is the ability to play again. "Game over" is not true because as long as there is someone to play, the game will continue. Let me further submit that the purpose of a game is not to win or lose. The purpose of a game is to transcend it. The only way to transcend the game is to admit that is a game.

 

In the situation where there is "the other woman", there is no one to blame...there is no victim and there is no perpetrator. All there is is a perception of separation and each party must tell the truth about that perception. Whatever you feel and however you perceive yourself in the situation, you must admit that it is true. You are responsible for what you are feeling. You are the giver and receiver of the pain, confusion, self-loathing, and depression. Don't fight it. Don't try to change it. Don't recite positive affirmations to counter what you really think and feel. Don't ask God to take it away. Just admit it. Here...let me help you.

 

 

Wife: "I love playing the victim. I am an ugly, worthless, excuse for a wife and mother that no one will ever love. Victim-hood is my lover because blaming others for my fuck-ups is how I live my life. I'm not worthy of having a faithful man  as my companion. I don't deserve it. No one will ever love or care for me. No one ever has. This affair is my fault. I brought this on myself because I don't deserve to be truly loved. I am the cause of my pain and I know that I will never be happy. I don't deserve happiness." 

 

Wife, you're right. You don't deserve love or happiness. From the perspective of separation, this is absolutely true. Whatever you feel and think is absolutely true. Admit it. Sit with it and see what telling the truth feels like. I promise, it will be uncomfortable, but you cannot win this game. The only way to "win" is to see it for what it is. The only way to win is to admit defeat and transcend.

 

Husband: "I am a dog. I am a heartless, dick-less, son of a bitch with no courage, integrity or regard

 

for the promises I make to people I profess to love. I am not a man or father at all, in fact, I don't deserve those titles. The fact that I cannot be truthful with myself or others proves that I'm a worthless piece of shit that no one will ever truly love or trust...and why should they? I don't deserve love or loyalty from anyone. I am the cause of my pain and it's only pain that I wish to share with others. I know that I will never be truly happy. I don't deserve happiness."  

 

Husband, you're right. You are the cause of your pain and no one will ever truly love or trust you. From the perspective of separation, this is absolutely true. Whatever you feel and think is absolutely true. Admit it. Sit with it and see what telling the truth feels like. I promise, it will be uncomfortable, but you cannot win this game. The only way to "win" is to see it for what it is. The only way to win is to admit defeat and transcend.

 

 

Other Woman: "I am an insecure, worthless, black-hearted bitch. I hate myself, I have no self-esteem and I use people to make myself feel better. I will wipe my ass with the feelings of wives and girlfriends just for one moment of a feeling of specialness from a man. Any man will do especially if he belongs to someone else. Because I can't generate my own worthiness, I must steal it and I don't give a shit how many children and babies I must trample to get that instant fix of self-worth. I'm a useless piece of trash that no one will ever truly love. I don't deserve true love and I will never obtain it." 

 

Other woman, you are absolutely right. You are worthless and useless. From the perspective of separation, this is absolutely true. Whatever you feel and think is absolutely true. Admit it. Sit with it and see what telling the truth feels like. I promise, it will be uncomfortable, but you cannot win this game. The only way to "win" is to see it for what it is. The only way to win is to admit defeat and transcend.

 

As long as you are willing to play, the game will continue. As long as you are willing to pretend you are not whole, the game will continue. As long as you insist on fighting, the game will continue. As long as you continue to blame others for your misery, the game will continue. You cannot win this game. Admit that you are looking through the lens of separation. Don't try to change these feelings or thoughts. Look at them. Acknowledge them as being here. See that you are the author and there is no one to blame. Sit with the emotions without trying to push, medicate, pray, meditate or drink them away. See what happens. Just see what happens. See that admitting defeat opens an entirely new realm of possibilities... a new selection of options...more space to be and grow. But don't take my word for it...find out for yourself.

 

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