I have about four blogs, an Advice-less advice column and 2 websites. Why? Is anybody listening and do I care? I do, but what I care about is not what you know but that you know. I want someone else to know that I know. I want to be known. How does that happen when there is no one to know? Pretending that there is and then blogging about it is how that happens.
There’s Firing God, An Enlightened Mom, Life It Really Is a Stage, and my newest blog and website The Last Evaluation. Two are strictly spiritual with a lot of talking at folks and figuring out life’s obvious secrets. The Mom blog is about the spiritual flavor in everyday things like body image, work, raising my young, and feeling like a piece of sh*t when I fail at all these things. The Last Evaluation is brand spanking new and there are no posts on that blog yet, but I’m about 5 chapters deep into the book.
The Last Evaluation is about program evaluation and the immediate work I do in government…with a very clear spotlight of “Ya’ll see this shit ain’t working” shining all up and through it.
When I first tripped upon these ideas and began to see that I can’t see at all, I really felt I had no time to entertain anything other than trying to pay my bills, raise my kids, and get my life together so I can just be grounded somewhere. I needed stability. This universe/spiritual stuff was too liquid, vaporous, ethereal, and smoky. I didn’t have time for something I couldn’t catch and hold in my hands. I still don’t have time for it. This is why what’s really stable is creeping into my ideas of stability and blowing them to smithereens. Who could have imagined that coming from a place of nothing could yield so much.
Sometimes it still gives me the heebie- jeebies when I think of it or actually feel the blindness, freefalling, or absence of what isn’t there in the first place, but I’m getting used to it. My heart doesn’t pound as hard and the cold chills don’t last as long.
The warm, fuzzy, downy, comfort of worry, neediness, lack, and suffering are still warm, fuzzy, downy and comfortable but I’m not so invested in those forms of currency. I realize I’m not getting the returns they promise so their hypnotic , seductive, irresistible, other worldly, Sirens song is now more like the pavement pounding, nauseatingly repetitive, never-ending, stick-a-sharp-pencil-in-my-ear, Army cadence, “Here we go again…same ole’ shit again”.
It’s all good though. Back then, when I got tired of running in formation I stopped.
What do I do when I’m tired of living in formation? I stop.