The first time was around September last year. On that day, I was standing in my kitchen when I finally decided to do it. I’d been contemplating it for months but on that day, I just knew that it was time. You know how you feel when you really make your mind up to do something, and it’s almost like you’ve already done it? That’s the way I felt that day standing in my kitchen. My mind was made up.
The next day, I did it. I committed suicide. And I immediately felt…alive.
They say that suicide is an indication that something was gravely wrong in a person’s life. They say that a significant loss of a loved one, job, or social status makes one more susceptible to taking one’s own life.
For me, that was not the case. Nothing was wrong. I hadn’t lost anything, in fact, I was profiting in various aspects of my life especially my work life. For me, the cause of my first suicide was the fact that I was in a place too small for me. I was working in a job that I had outgrown. I was doing work that felt constricting and claustrophobic. I was maturing and the cocoon was too tight.
I committed suicide the day that I told my boss, “I’m resigning”. In that moment my
work life was dead. I had no job. I also had no plan, and there was nothing but uncertainty ahead of me. I imagine that’s what physical death is. Just openness and potential that I am wholly unaware of.
Something that I discovered years ago is that death does not kill me. Therefore, I’m prepared to do it again. I’m prepared to voluntarily end my work life once again with no plan and nothing but uncertainty and potential before me.
The culmination of what we call “life” is not only physical. There are various aspects of "life" and living a long life is about more than how old you are when you physically die. A long life is a lived life. A long life is a life full of authentic moments. Moments of elevation, contrast, inspiration, frustration, freedom, and relaxation. A long life can be lived in 1 year or 99 years. It’s not the number that matters…it’s the significance and authenticity of the moments. Today, I’m choosing to live a long life. I’m choosing to create moments and use my freedom to harness fear and live.